“Love you too.”
I never would have thought August 5th (probably early morning on August 6th) would have been the last time we exchanged those words.
My whole world changed 10 weeks (plus a couple of days) ago. We said “I love you” for the last time. My very last words to B: “I’m going to video driver intros, then head to the stands. Love you.”
It hurts my heart to think about that moment. If I could go back in time, I would hit pause and never hit play again. It’s been 71 days without you. We had a 12 day rule. Even in the first year and a half of our relationship; when we were long distance. I was in school in Florida, you were in Indy. Twelve days was the limit, then we would fly to wherever the other one was.
I miss you. We all do.
It’s 1:14am. There’s a million other things I should be doing right now… sleeping is probably number one.
I felt I needed to write this. I need to let everyone know how much I appreciate their love and support. There hasn’t been a day go by where I haven’t been reminded of everyone’s love for my Bryan. A Facebook post, a tweet, a “#ParkedIt”, or a friendly text. I appreciate all of them. This is a journey… I’m learning that.
Some days are good. Some days are not so good. I refer to the hard times as “bad moments”, not “bad days.” Some days are easier than others. Some days (today) I want to pull the blankets over my head and stay in bed all day.
Grieving is hard. I can’t explain it. I’m sure we are all experiencing it differently. But for me, it’s exhausting. Really, really exhausting. I’ve been through a lifetime of emotions in the last ten weeks. I feel good for a couple of hours, then reality hits. Some moments I’m not sure how I’ll make it to the next minute, let alone the next day, or week.
Simple tasks are the hardest. I’m trying to do “normal” without you. Laundry, cleaning, feeding the dogs. All of those simple things that I never gave much thought to before… they take a lot of effort and a lot of energy.
I’m doing the best I can. I fully believe I have the best support group around me. My family – mom, dad, Austin, Tim, Di, and Tay. My friends – close and far away. You all get me through the day. So, thank you. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the simple “hey, thinking of you” text when I need it most. Thank you for going and visiting B with me. All of it, thank you.
I owe one more giant thank you – THANK YOU to Bryan’s fans… to every single person who has reached out and given us support. Whether it be buying a t-shirt, sharing a story, or simply giving me a hug at the racetrack… I appreciate. I am working as fast as I can on online orders, I promise. Bryan would never let any of his fans down, so I’m not going to do that either. Some days go better than others. Some days are extremely hard and the last thing I want to do is look at B’s car on the t-shirts/decals over and over again… so, thank you for bearing with me.
This is something that I thought I would never have to go through. I wish I could bring Bryan back to us. All of us. I don’t even need badass racecar driver Bryan… I miss my guy. My teammate. My best friend. Chevy and Stew miss their dad. (I’m doing the best I can, but a being a single mom is hard!) I miss the guy who would take the trash out for me and squeegee the shower door in the mornings. I loved badass racecar driver Bryan, but really, that was just a bonus.
I love my normal, simple guy. My fiancée. The man I was going to marry and grow old with and live the rest of my life with. The guy I went to Pacers games with. And the guy who snuggled so close (but not too close – his request) every night. I miss “mousse time” in the mornings. And play time with the pups. Mostly, I miss us. Our little family.
Thank you for the lifetime of memories, B. You gave me more adventures and memories in five and a half years than most people ever get. From New Zealand to Australia, to Florida to California… thank you for all of that and everything in between. You taught me how to live and how to love… and those are two things I will never forget. And I will never, never take them for granted.
We’re going to get through this… We’re going to continue to grow Bryan’s legacy. It sounds so cliché, and I’ve been avoiding saying it, but it’s what Bryan would want. It is what he wants.
He’s not here physically, but he’s here in everything I do. I can feel that every single day.
We miss you and love you, B. Forever plus a day.