The Hard Part

There are so many things I’m learning on this journey. Things I never wanted to have to learn. Today’s lesson: Grief hurts. It physically hurts. I woke up this morning and it felt like my heart had been crushed into a million little pieces… again. I miss Bryan so much that my heart is literally aching for him.

I’ve put on a brave face throughout this journey for the most part, but the last eight or so hours… man, it hurts. I’ve cried longer and harder in the last eight hours than I have the last eight months. Why? I don’t know. There is no answer to all of it, so I don’t even bother asking.

At the end of the day yesterday, I was sitting at the cemetery visiting Bryan with his family. I had been surrounded by close friends and family all day, but at the end of the day the only person I wanted to be with was Bryan. I wanted to hug B. I wanted to crawl into bed and snuggle up on his shoulder. The fact that a hug from his mom was as close as I was going to get to that… heartbreaking.

I sent a text to three of my best friends at the same time last night. When I’m at a loss for words and I can’t really explain how I’m feeling, my go to is this: “Damnit. I miss Bryan.”

Three friends. Three responses back.

“Me too, kid.”

“I do too.”

“I’d bring him back in a second if I could.”

In a weird, selfish, completely twisted way… it makes it hurt a little less to know that I’m not the only one missing him.

It’s now 7:21am and I’m on a plane headed to Pennsylvania. I want to be heading to watch Bryan race. I miss our life. I miss all of it. I’m trying to find peace and comfort and I really am looking forward to see all the PA fans I haven’t had the chance to see yet. For whatever reason, though, this trip without Bryan hurts a little bit more than the rest of them.

Today I’m grieving what should have been. What was supposed to be. Our plan didn’t happen. And honestly, it sucks. That’s the most eloquent way I can put it right now.

I’ve shared so much with all of you on this journey… I can’t share only the good without also giving you the not so good. So, here it is. My heart hurts. I feel lost. I don’t even know where to begin in putting the pieces of my life puzzle back together. I’m not sure if the racetrack is where I want to be or where I’ll find comfort, but here I am… following my heart to PA. All million pieces of it.